Not in the best place right now

You'll have to excuse my lack of blogging. Things have really come to a head.
I wasn't going to go into too much detail, being open for the public eye and all but why not?

I had the 4D scan, as planned. Was pretty amazing to see my baby on the screen. His 'Father' turned up for the free-ride since I paid the full fee. I was looked square in the eye and told that we had to work things out for the babies sake. Things really just went downhill from there.

The baby that was desperately wanted by his 'Father' was then rejected as was I. Vicious rumours have been spread about my faithfulness, despite me swearing on my children's lives. Whilst I loved him, I only wanted him - still that wasn't enough. He has now denied that the baby is even his.
He remains very immature and playing with his pathetic car to even contribute to the upbringing of his first son, so this one doesn't stand a chance - and that's probably the reason why he denies fathering this child, wishful thinking that he doesn't have to cough up a single penny that he'd rather spend on pathetic, pointless car modifications.

I had the misfortune to meet him on the roads a couple of weeks ago and he straight away text his ex wife saying he'd just seen two people he hates - that's me and the baby then. What a charming young man to speak about the Mother of your unborn child in this manor, let alone hating your own child that YOU put there.

When we split up (again), I did the usual Sonia thing of wanting to cling onto any last hope that we had a chance of being a family, a couple of weeks later I realised there was nothing to cling onto and that actually, I deserve a lot better than he has to offer.
I had spent 3/4 of the relationship being sidelined for a piece of metal, like my ex husband there was an element of negative comments thrown in my face, he neglected me - I was much better off without his lying and neglect.

Unfortunately for the baby I have decided that adoption is probably the best way forward from this.
This may sound incredibly selfish but I'd rather be a bloody good Mother to my 5 existing children than a struggling Mother to 6.
As you can probably appreciate this hasn't been an easy decision to make and in fact I am still not 100% sure on it - but I realise that on many levels he needs what I can't offer him. My boys need my love and attention, autism is not an easy thing to deal with on a daily basis as is when my girls visit me - my every focus HAS to be on Meghan's well-being. Is she warm enough? Is she running around too much? Meghan was born with a Congenital Heart Defect and needs close monitoring through out her life - it's my duty to be there when she needs me the most.

I'm not saying this baby doesn't need me, but he needs many things that I may find difficult to offer 100% of the time and he deserves more than I can offer. I have chronic illnesses that when my boys visit their Father I can have at least a day or twos rest, if I am in pain I can take it easy etc - with a newborn baby with no support from his 'father' I will never get a break and therefore struggle. 

As I say, I have many reasons behind this decision and I am acting in the best interests of not only the baby, but my existing children and myself.

I have a social worker due to visit to explain the adoption process, I can then air my concerns and questions and hope to enquire about some kind of counselling to counsel me and make sure I am doing the best thing here. Either way I am going to regret my decisions. In the mean time I have already written the baby a letter explaining the reasons behind the adoption, I just hope that if I go ahead and have him adopted he doesn't grow up thinking he wasn't wanted or loved because I do want him and I do love him, I just want the best for him and realise that that is something I just can not offer at this moment in my life. Perhaps if his 'father' had stuck around it may have been a little easier but then I am fooling myself by saying that - he wouldn't have helped out financially or practically. I understand the social services will be making contact with his 'father' to offer custody. If he feeds them the pathetic story of  ''it's not mine'' like he's telling everyone else I am sure they will do a DNA test to prove otherwise - then the prick really has to think up of a decent excuse!

4D Scan Booked

Just a quick note to advise my followers I have now booked my 4D Scan.

Wednesday 12th March @ 11:50am.

I am quite possibly going to an expectant parents evening on Monday 10th, apparently the Mums get a good pampering and it's free so - why not?

I may only be nearly 25 weeks but I am struggling so much already. Just doing the stairs I get out of breath and my lungs don't feel like they expand to their full capacity any more.
I know at the scans the baby (Thomas) seemed to be a bit, err, overweight already so I wonder just how heavy he is now and whether this is contributing to my rapidly declining health?

I have just turned 29 (2 days ago) and have treated myself to a few beauty treatments to really spoil and pamper myself. I figured with everything I am having to go through with this pregnancy, I deserve it.

Looking forward to next week, both the pampering evening, my hair appointment (hopefully) and the 4D scan. Very very excited to see my baby in 4D, to see his beautiful face. It may help me in more ways than one.

20 week scan & foetal echocardigram

Ok so this update is a little late, but I've had plenty going on in my life.


Firstly, I best admit that I have announced via my personal Facebook account that I am having my third little boy.
I found out at 16 weeks, via a private gender scan, of which I attended alone, as did I the 20 week scan and foetal echo.

Firstly, the 20 week scan went well. Again, an hour wait to be seen - in which time I read 'Performance French Cars' and obviously skipped the Renault pages ;)

Finally I get called in, I lay down and the scan begins. First of all measuring the fluid inside the babies brain etc. Towards the end of the scan, the sonographer said 'Well, clearly you make big babies then'
Having had my biggest baby at only 7lb 8oz I immediately asked 'what?'
She said 'well babies quite big for this gestation'
She went away and tapped on a computer keyboard and returned to advise me the stomach on the baby is on the MAXIMUM for normal at this gestation. It is not quite classed as abnormal growth - but is already classed as above average growth according to the scans.
Also above average for this gestation are his legs (longer than usual) and his head (oh, brilliant!)
The sonographer advised me with growth this significant I will probably be offered growth scans and offered a GTT (glucose tolerance test), although this I have already declined UNLESS there is good reason or cause (for example, glucose in my sample, my belly measuring more than 4cm above the expected for this gestation etc).

Since the scan I have had tests for glucose in my sample and all have been negative, so maybe with the babies DNA in mind, he is following his parents and will be on the large side because of us.

The baby is already weighing more than he should - he weighs 1lb 1oz. (Which is approx 5-6 oz MORE than he should).


Here is 1/5 scan photos.
This one in particular tickled me because of his Father and I love of driving - and it looks like the baby had his foot to the floor in this photo too.

(Please note: I have taken the liberty of watermarking my photos that I share again. For the pure fact, one I took last Winter became VIRAL on the internet for St Valentines Day of this year. Since I was so fickle as to not watermark that photo, I have again decided to play safe. My photos are strictly my property and to save my image to your hard drive, or to share it without my consent is copy write theft).

And for good measure, let's share a bump picture too.

Besides the occasional morning sickness and feeling faint spell the pregnancy is going well.
I won't lie, I am finding being a Single Mum and pregnant extremely hard work. The stairs are already challenging me, as is bending down to credit the gas on the gas meter, and don't even get me started on walking.

Of course it doesn't help that since becoming pregnant I have had to quit all my fibromyalgia meds.

I also think I am highly depressed at the moment, but this is something I am trying to sort out myself. I don't wish to be drugged up, groggy day in day out - sleep off the depressive state. I wish to fight it if I can. If I have to admit defeat and visit the doctors I shall.


The foetal echocardigram went fine also. The consultant asked about Meghan's condition and I advised her that the babies Father's sister was also born with a severe CHD - but thankfully she is too distant for there to be any increased risk to this baby.
She looked at all the blood vessels and the blow flow, chambers within the heart etc and said she couldn't rule out all VSD's until after the birth of the baby BUT there is certainly no ToF present, nor any other CHD.

Fingers crossed there is no VSD at birth - but if there is, it's just the duct that hasn't closed (most commonly present in pre-term babies).

Unfortunately we are on our own now!

Unfortunately, for reasons I won't go into detail things between me and the babies 'Father' haven't worked out.
To the point he has even questioned him being the babies 'father', despite knowing otherwise!
I guess it's easier to walk away from a baby you have doubts about than one you KNOW is yours.
Either way, incredibly immature and childish behaviour to get a woman pregnant then completely walk away from your own child.
How do they even do that?

Anyway, myself and the baby are fine.
We have been very stressed for a couple of days now and we have been ill but we are both okay for the moment.
I attended the gender scan and all was fine.

Here is a picture in 3D of my gorgeous, but UNPLANNED baby xxx

I still can't believe that I can't ever see these men coming, I have repeatedly been hurt over and over again and on first appearance all seems well, they seem genuine but it's always me in the end that's hurt. And this time, it's just me left holding our baby!

Whilst this man has to be named on the birth certificate I wish he didn't. But I guess when our child is old enough to go looking for the 'father' he can then explain his reasons for walking away and missing out on X years of the child's life. 

12 Week Scan

Well, where to start!
First of all the trip into Oxford was uneventful so that's always a good thing...
Got into the hospital car park, waited at the gate for a space to become available. A car then came out and we were allowed a ticket and went in. We went through the car park, found a space in the end - but my goodness, it was horrendous!

My appointment was for 11:30am.
We got there at 11:15am.
Worked our way around the hospital (a close friend came with me as the babies Father was unable to do so).

I bought a ultrasound ticket from the machine (£10) and took a seat. We were waiting well over an hour before I was finally called in..
A few details taken.
I led on the bed awaiting...

As soon as the probe went onto my belly we saw a white mass.
For a moment I did think 'where is the baby?'
She then found the baby. She advised me I have a fibroid. It is a fibroid tumour.


She measured the mass and it is 3cm and at the moment benign.
There is a 1 in 1,000 chance of it becoming malignant (cancerous).

Fibroids cause all sorts of problems (and certain explain my long standing issues):

- Reoccurring miscarriage
- Torrential bleeding whilst on my period
- Unexplained cycle pain

As many of you will know NHS Gloucestershire did an ultrasound in 2011 and then an operation to check for fibroids and found nothing, no PCOS or endometriosis - nothing.

My symptoms are long-standing so I find it incredibly hard to believe this (or they) have developed since the operation.

Anyway, I will take each day as it comes.
Chances are the fibroid will grow with the pregnancy (it thrives on estrogen, pregnancy hormones).
It may become so big it causes the baby problems (let's hope not).


Anyway, baby is still so small (the baby is as long as my little finger) and although Baby bond agreed with my ''due'' date, the NHS have persisted with their ''due'' date - there is only one day difference anyway, so I am not sweating it.


Anyway, baby was led on his/her back. Then decided to become a real poser and faced us. (Me and my friend believed the baby had turned its back to us!) Anyway, a bit of probing later and jumping on my bottom later - and the baby is back for a sideways shot again.
Measured, photographed and sent on my way.

 

And on other news, my ''Mother'' has blocked me on Facebook. 

Doesn't bother me much at all - she couldn't even be bothered with Duncan's birthday.
I think things happen for a reason and the pregnancy (though unexpected and a complete surprise) has happened to make us aware of the fibroid now I am fortunate to live in a better area with a hopefully better NHS. 

 

Jelly Beans Heart beat!

I won't lie, I've been part of a ''Due in'' group since I was 4 weeks pregnant.
I saw a lot of posts of people finding their babies heart beats at 8 weeks - 10 weeks.
I have since left this said group, it became apparent my vast knowledge about pregnancy and birth was not appreciated by all. Especially those who were ill advising and scare-mongering others.

Anyway, I proceeded to set up my own Due in 2014 group and Jelly Bean has it's own group for only my closest network of friends.

With 3 only okay-ish dopplers I decided to treat myself to a new one (with a more sensitive probe, only slightly) and I have been checking weekly from about 8 weeks for the heart beat, especially since the ultrasound picked it up lol.

Anyway, yesterday - 1st December morning, I found it!
I found it for only 5 seconds before the obviously awake and very active bean inside me shot off.
I listened in last night to see if I could send the Daddy an audio clip, bean was so active I was being kicked left, right and center!

Obviously, I am still way too early on to feel any movement but you physically hear it via the doppler, amazing!

Anyway, Monday morning, a school morning - no time for this!
However, this evening the boys have finally gone down to sleep.

I listened in, and within 5 minutes I found the bean!
Bean must be asleep because I was able to listen for about 5 minutes in total, he he.

Although I have posh dopplers with the BPM readout, the heart beat is still very weak to be picked up to trigger this reading, however - it did flash up this evening.

Based on the old wives tale (which was correct for both my twins), and the gender prediction I have already done, I am 99.9% sure I know the gender now.

Will find out after Christmas of course. Daddy doesn't want to know so it'll have to be a hush hush secret, which is no biggy because I am not telling the majority of you anyway, pahaha!

For those in the Jelly Beans group on FB, the video of the heartbeat is already up. Enjoy!

Dating Scan, Do I or Don't I?

Do I or Don't I go to the dating scan, decisions decisions...

FOR: Check baby is ok (Been under a lot of stress recently) and I know though I have passed the threshold I usually Miscarry, there is still that risk!

AGAINST: The NHS can use my ''due date'' against me lol. I may be noticed by the Obstetrician too (of whom I have been referred to but I shall not be seeing).

They can call me ''High Risk'' all they like, problem is - Since 2005 I took it upon myself to educate myself. It's a shame for my health care ''professionals'' that I know way too much about pregnancy and birth now to know what is genuinely necessary and what's not only a waste of my time and fuel - but unnecessary. My whole birthing page highlights what is not necessary and how much obstetricians interferer with the natural process of giving birth.

I am proud to sit here and say I have not had an interfered birth since 2004.
Never again do I let them pull my strings.
See how I feel nearer the time as to whether I go for the scan I reckon.