I wasn't going to go into too much detail, being open for the public eye and all but why not?
I had the 4D scan, as planned. Was pretty amazing to see my baby on the screen. His 'Father' turned up for the free-ride since I paid the full fee. I was looked square in the eye and told that we had to work things out for the babies sake. Things really just went downhill from there.
The baby that was desperately wanted by his 'Father' was then rejected as was I. Vicious rumours have been spread about my faithfulness, despite me swearing on my children's lives. Whilst I loved him, I only wanted him - still that wasn't enough. He has now denied that the baby is even his.
He remains very immature and playing with his pathetic car to even contribute to the upbringing of his first son, so this one doesn't stand a chance - and that's probably the reason why he denies fathering this child, wishful thinking that he doesn't have to cough up a single penny that he'd rather spend on pathetic, pointless car modifications.
I had the misfortune to meet him on the roads a couple of weeks ago and he straight away text his ex wife saying he'd just seen two people he hates - that's me and the baby then. What a charming young man to speak about the Mother of your unborn child in this manor, let alone hating your own child that YOU put there.
When we split up (again), I did the usual Sonia thing of wanting to cling onto any last hope that we had a chance of being a family, a couple of weeks later I realised there was nothing to cling onto and that actually, I deserve a lot better than he has to offer.
I had spent 3/4 of the relationship being sidelined for a piece of metal, like my ex husband there was an element of negative comments thrown in my face, he neglected me - I was much better off without his lying and neglect.
Unfortunately for the baby I have decided that adoption is probably the best way forward from this.
This may sound incredibly selfish but I'd rather be a bloody good Mother to my 5 existing children than a struggling Mother to 6.
As you can probably appreciate this hasn't been an easy decision to make and in fact I am still not 100% sure on it - but I realise that on many levels he needs what I can't offer him. My boys need my love and attention, autism is not an easy thing to deal with on a daily basis as is when my girls visit me - my every focus HAS to be on Meghan's well-being. Is she warm enough? Is she running around too much? Meghan was born with a Congenital Heart Defect and needs close monitoring through out her life - it's my duty to be there when she needs me the most.
I'm not saying this baby doesn't need me, but he needs many things that I may find difficult to offer 100% of the time and he deserves more than I can offer. I have chronic illnesses that when my boys visit their Father I can have at least a day or twos rest, if I am in pain I can take it easy etc - with a newborn baby with no support from his 'father' I will never get a break and therefore struggle.
As I say, I have many reasons behind this decision and I am acting in the best interests of not only the baby, but my existing children and myself.
I have a social worker due to visit to explain the adoption process, I can then air my concerns and questions and hope to enquire about some kind of counselling to counsel me and make sure I am doing the best thing here. Either way I am going to regret my decisions. In the mean time I have already written the baby a letter explaining the reasons behind the adoption, I just hope that if I go ahead and have him adopted he doesn't grow up thinking he wasn't wanted or loved because I do want him and I do love him, I just want the best for him and realise that that is something I just can not offer at this moment in my life. Perhaps if his 'father' had stuck around it may have been a little easier but then I am fooling myself by saying that - he wouldn't have helped out financially or practically. I understand the social services will be making contact with his 'father' to offer custody. If he feeds them the pathetic story of ''it's not mine'' like he's telling everyone else I am sure they will do a DNA test to prove otherwise - then the prick really has to think up of a decent excuse!
